Tag at_least_mildly_sappy
1 I’m driving back to my house in the rain to pick up a donut I forgot to deliver to my eldest baby — wait, I’m telling the story wrong, because now it’s Monday, and the story starts on Saturday, when I drove 150 km to get what are supposed to be the best donuts … Continue read... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
1 It’s a low energy day — I have a lot of those these days* — and I’m in bed at 8 pm feeling I’ve done nothing, nothing. I sleep for 10, almost 11 hours. I crawl out of bed feeling rested but also very aware my well is about a quarter full, maybe less, … Continue reading ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
I got a house of puking, snotty, feverish children over the holidays—Flora went down just before Christmas an barely made it through the Christmas Eve festivities, Cinder felt a tickle in his throat on Christmas Day and was down for the count on Boxing Day, and Ender woke up on the 27th puking. Today, Flora’s … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
1 I’m moving this week and I’m worried — what? I didn’t tell you I was moving? How is that possible? That’s all I talk about. It’s the centrepiece of my menopausal midlife crisis. Short version: I bought a house I’m not sure I can afford with imaginary money I’m still expecting the bank to … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
i I love you. And when you suffer, I suffer. Flora: Yeah, right. Jane: Truth. She can’t believe that right now, because she’s a teenage girl. Also, because I’m relatively emotionally disciplined and I don’t make a showcase of either my primary or secondary suffering, she tends to—as do others—think I have no feelings. I … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
I. It’s Sunday and I’ve no plans but to lie still and regroup. Will I? Flora: It’s impossible for you not to have a project. True. But let’s call Sunday’s project… rest. II. On Saturday, I worked very hard and you didn’t come, and I was… disappointed. I guess that’s all I’ll say. And practice … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
i This is why people talk about the weather, I say, wiping my eyes. I much prefer these conversations, you say, kissing my years. Theoretically, so do I. Except when they hurt this much. I can’t quite remember how we got to existential angst — except that all paths seem to lead there these days. … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
i It’s December, the month in which my body remembers the loss of a child I never knew, never held and I don’t want to write about it, except to say all month, my body anticipates the loss and my mind can’t do anything about it. It’s worst between December 24 — the day I … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
Words are rather hard these days. So, a few pictures: It’s official. Seven year journey, and the last six months, so fucking hard. You want to see that video, right? Watch. You’re going to fixate at how high that leg goes. Don’t. Watch how effortless the drop of the kick is, and how her body … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
Calgary celebrates this year’s flood anniversary with a heavy rain but the river stays in its bed and our alley does not turn into a lake. A friend, away from Ground Zero at work, texts me anxiously. It’s all ok, I tell her—I wonder how many years have to pass before we relax in June—and … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
Before I turn many numbers this weekend—47, how did that happen?—and as always when I have an odd-numbered birthday, I miss the symmetry of the even years. I don’t like the odd years—I really don’t like the prime years. And 47? Just look at it. Say it—47. It’s predecessor and successor, 46 and 48, have … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
i Transitions suck. He tells me to enjoy the summer, what’s left of it, because they’re going to shut us down for the Delta Variant in the fall, and goddammit, no, I refuse—your life is not worth it and neither is mine—there are too many of us human cockroaches around and you know what, if … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
1 There’s a terrible commercial Amazon Prime is inflicting on me every time I watch my current binge fave — Bones, based on the books of Kathy Reichs, not unproblematic but decent brain candy for tired evenings — and the result of that commercial is that I will ever ever use Skip the Dishes, so, … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
i. You better watch out You better not cry You better not pout I’m telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town… Christmas songs—you can’t really call them carols these days, can you?—are on the radio, Christmas tree and holiday displays glut stores—and the most beautiful time of the year is just around the … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
i It’s dark when I wake up now, and, ok, I do wake up very early, but, still. Calgary summers seem night-less—dawn breaks while we sleep and the sun sets after we go to bed. The return of night as fall nears portends the dominance of night throughout our long winter. I don’t want to … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
i Hobbit hole. Baby, it’s cold outside, and the fireplace is roaring. The Giant Beast is sprawled on the couch beside me; the Svelte Beat is roaming the tiny apartment as if it were the Serengeti. I’ve got a cup of Turkish coffee beside me, and a lover tidying up in the bathroom. I’m writing. … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
i January is almost over and I’m still processing 2023 — how about you? It wasn’t a “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times” kind of year — well, if you live in Gaza and the Sudan, yeah, it was definitely the worst of times. For us privileged First World … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
1 The week I turn 50, I do all the things. I’m supposed to be in Cuba, but I’m in Toronto – an interesting choice that I’m second guessing until I do the thing and kill it, but I’m getting ahead of the story. I’m in Toronto with my loverly partner and they’ve never been, … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
Hey, little one. I remember you, today, always. xoxo Mom... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
We are melting. The thermometer has hit 33 degrees centigrade today—for my American friends, that’s 91.4 Farenheit, or, as we say in Viking Hell, fucking hot. The air is hot and still, although a windstorm swept through the city and the prairie last night. But it did not bring a storm or rain, nor did … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
A good friend and I were talking a while ago about catcalling construction workers, strangers on the street telling us to smile, and the worst parts of #metoo, and I realized our fundamental approach/reaction to living in our somewhat fucked up patriarchal society was different. We were neither of us immune from its ills, because … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
One year ago, I started a new job. It was—is—my first Monday-to-Friday, 9-5 (more like 7-3, because I work on Toronto time, really, well, 7-5, because also, Calgary and Vancouver—point: people expect me to be reachable from 7 a.m. until whenever it is that they finish work)—and I haven’t had to pay attention to days … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
Have you ever noticed that the people who tell you “I’m not the type of person who…” are guaranteed to be the type of person who, precisely that? And, the people who tell you, at every turn, “No drama, please!” and criticize friends, lovers, and strangers for bringing drama into their lives—they aren’t just drama … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
i I meditated today for 20 breaths. It wasn’t awful. Among my dozens upon dozens (hundreds?) of unpublished posts and unsubbed (bad) poems from the last two and a half, three years, there’s a whole category entitled “On my recalcitrant reluctance to re-establish a meditation practice.” (I know, the title just rolls off the tongue, … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
i. I spend Friday dealing with school board bureaucracy, driving here and there, getting forms signed, proving to yet another bureaucrat that Flora exists, and—my favourite—sitting opposite a woman who does not know how to type with all ten fingers, OMFG, how does she have this job?—as she inputs the information I just wrote out … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
I’m busy with my work and with my heroin, and on the periphery of my consciousness… You: Heroin? Relax, I’m not a junkie, it’s a metaphor. And not even for sheesha, weed or cigars. But can you please stop fixating on that? Sometimes a metaphor is just a metaphor. Also, I don’t want to explain, … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
i I bought a new-to-me car last week – thank you, it’s a boy, his name is Darwin and you should see his eyelashes, incredible! I feel immense guilt over this purchase and how much joy it is bringing me because a) I’m incurring debt, however small and however manageable and debt makes it hard … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
i The first thing you need to know is that he’s ok, the second thing you need to know is that he spun out on black ice on Glenmore on his way to work and crashed his new-to-him truck into a concrete barrier. The third thing you need to know is in the five seconds … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
Monday It’s a travel day, and I’m at the airport by 5:30 a.m., on the airplane before 7. The plane is half-empty, which never seems to happen these days, and it’s glorious. There’s nobody next to me and I sprawl. Glorious. I take the awkward “on the plane but no laptops” time to read a … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
take 1 Monday not much happened, Tuesday I missed you, Wednesday I don’t know, Thursday I felt the dam trembling, Friday it burst, Saturday I pushed through—it’s Sunday, I don’t want to work. take 2 Monday: “I am very productive in the morning. Also cranky.” (wait, is this not a direct contradiction of take 1? … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
So I’m sick again, sore throat sniffles, probably not COVID but maybe and even if it is, who cares – I feel like death, for the third time since October. Between our three core households, someone’s been sick all fall. I can’t remember if it was like this every fall pre-COVID (it probably was). It … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
i It’s coming on a year since I’ve moved out of the matrimonial house, four blocks over, to a 100-year old furnished garden flat in which I’d spend most of the pandemic. What a year, people. May none of us ever have to live through such a one. It’s pandemic-related stresses were such that I’m … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
i I’ve been giving this a great deal of thought, kittens, and here’s the thing—generally speaking, I do want to be a good person. I just don’t want to be a better person. I mean, I probably wouldn’t mind being a slightly better person—it’s just a lot of work and I don’t want to do … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
We’re walking along the river on a breathtakingly beautiful May evening and you tell me that life generally sucks and not much worth experiencing happens after you’re 28—and how do people manage to live through their 50s, 60s, beyond, you don’t know. (And look what we’ve done over the past year to prolong the lives … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
i It’s Mother’s Day and usually, on this rather ambivalent holiday, I engage in a rant about how our society is hypocritical, gives the cult of motherhood a great deal of lip service, heaps all sorts of expectations and judgements—oh-god, the judgements—on mothers, but gives them virtually no actual help and support. I planned to … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
i Her: I had very bad dream. You were hiding things from me. You said you did it not to hurt my feelings and I was so sad and crying—I’m still crying. You betrayed me. You broke my heart. Jane: Oh, those dreams are the worst. But, um… do you forgive me? Her: You broke … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
Sometimes, my cat sees things that I don’t see—and yes, this freaks me out. What can a cat see that I don’t see? It can only be three things, really: rodents, insects, or ghosts. Of the three, there’s only one I don’t mind having in my house—and it’s not mice. Or insects. My daughter mocks … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.wordpress.com
The nurses tells me, “You guys are amazing.” It’s 9, 10 am in the morning and we’ve been in the hospital for almost 12 hours—we will be there another 48 before being transferred to another hospital. I have just lived through the hardest night of my life. I do not feel amazing. I feel like … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
It’s a sunny but cold Tuesday in December, and I pack Ender, also a lunch that consists mostly of oranges, into the car. Maggie the runty Boston Terrier I don’t really love—but oh, Ender loves her and she loves him too, they are littermates—jumps into the car with us. Fine. It’s not so cold … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
I am in a liminal space again: back from a whirlwind road trip to Vancouver with my 69-year-old mother and 15-year-old daughter. “Three generations!” my mom thus hashtags most of the photos from the adventures. “We have three generations in the store today—a momentous occasion!” an employee of Venus and Mars Fashions tells her co-worker. … ... mehr auf nothingbythebook.com
